did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
