I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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