you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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