Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
