The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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