my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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