I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm both gender and math confused
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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