Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
