so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
