For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
