he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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