guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I need to align my fucking chakras
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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