i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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