You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
