She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
