My sheets look like a crime scene.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
He kissed a someone with a penis
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
