Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
