got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
