Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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