Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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