Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
