he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
