yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
