Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
