put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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