Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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