I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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