You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
