Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
