She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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