U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
