i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
