JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
