when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
