Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Randomize
