I skipped work to stalk him.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
