Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
