Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
