Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
