Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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