Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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