At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
