I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
