Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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