i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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