dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
