I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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