So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
