ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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