Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
