just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
